paramoreparafan

So yes, I double updated.

  6 months later.

  I was still living in Franklin.  By now, I was almost nine months pregnant, and the baby would be born soon.
  But I was depressed as hell.
  I was living at Jeremy’s apartment, and he was doing all that he could to take care of me.  I felt bad; I had ruined his chances for dates several times simply because he had to help take of me, and try to make me happy.  He wanted to make sure that I was at least occupied with happy things, so I wouldn’t worry to much and hurt the baby.
  Every time I tried calling Josh, he would either send it to voicemail or answer and just yell at me how much I had hurt him.  I had just stopped calling a month ago.  He was taking a knife to my heart every time I called him, whether or not he answered the phone.  It still hurt pretty badly.  It made my head spin.
  Tonight, Jeremy was letting me stay home alone by myself.  I told him that I could handle it, and I didn’t want to pull him down and be a burden to him.  He had a new girlfriend now, a girl named Elizabeth, and he barely had a chance to go out with her.  I didn’t want to ruin his chances at happiness just because sometimes I wanted to cry.  It was his turn to finally be happy now.  I couldn’t do much damage in one night.
  Or so I thought.
  It turns out, instead of being able to just watch movies all night without a worry, I instead spent my night curled up on the couch.  A TV show was playing on the TV in front of me, but I wasn’t watching it.  In fact, I wasn’t really curled up, because of my massive stomach, but I had at least tried.
  Throughout my head, all I saw was Josh.  All I saw was Josh hurting.  And when I saw him hurting on the inside, it made me feel like he was just dead.  The thought of Josh dead really did bring tears to my eyes, and while I had been trying to pile happy things over my sad and depressed ones, I didn’t change much.  I was basically depressed.
  I didn’t know how I was going to raise this baby by myself.  It was a thought that went through my head every night.  The entire world hated me; I’m sure Jeremy did secretly as well.  The person I loved most absolutely hated me, and that really just killed me.
  I spent the entire night in tears, until a sharp pain in my uterus suddenly distracted me.  I let out a small squeal, and then opened my one eye.  Surely I wasn’t giving birth...it wasn’t time yet.  I felt a whole new wave of tears, sad and painful tears, enter my eyes as I immediately scraped myself up and headed to the bathroom.  I don’t know why I was going to the bathroom, but I just went to the bathroom.
  I nearly screamed when I saw that I was bleeding.  A whole new flood of worry immediately evaporated over me; I was losing my baby. I sucked in several deep breaths and then immediately ran out of the bathroom, scraping around for the first telephone I found.  I found Jeremy’s home phone, and then picked it up, dialing his number.
  It took him barely two seconds to answer the phone.
  “What’s wrong, Hayley?”
  “Jeremy...” I said, taking in a deep breath.  I just realized then that I was crying.  “Jeremy, it’s the baby.  I’m bleeding. Something’s wrong.  I think I’m losing the baby.”
  “What the hell?” came Jeremy’s loud reply in the phone.  “Don’t worry Hayley, I’ll be there immediately to come take you to the hospital..damn, I shouldn’t have left you at home..don’t worry, Hayley, I’ll be there!”
  Everything was a blur from then.  Jeremy got to the apartment within ten minutes of being there, with his girlfriend Elizabeth.  Somehow, I think I passed out in the backseat of his car, and immediately woke up in a hospital bed.
  The blinding light of morning shone in the bright hospital room.  It beat down on my eyelids, causing me to squint as I woke up.  The crowd of people that were around me when I woke up was puzzling...yet oddly comforting.
  Zac was sleeping in a car in a corner.  Jeremy was standing up, awake, but didn’t seem to have noticed me yet.  Taylor was actually sleeping on an air mattress in the floor.  My mother was in a recliner across the room, and Josh was asleep on the windowsill bed right next to me.
  Josh.
  I grinned, happiness spreading throughout my entire body, and immediately leaned over, wanting to say something to him and wake him up, but I then felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Jeremy.
  “Hayley, don’t wake him up,” Jeremy murmured to me softly.
  “What? Why?” I whispered back.  He didn’t have to say anything to me, though.  I had lost the baby, surely I had.  “Oh no,” panic flooded my body.  “No, Jeremy, no, don’t tell me that my baby’s gone-“
  ”No, no, no,” Jeremy said shaking his head, offering me a small smile.  “The baby’s fine.  It wasn’t even caused by worry.  Sometimes this happens in pregnant women before the baby is born.  It just means that you’re almost there.”
  I sighed and placed a hand on my still bulging stomach, relief immediately spreading throughout my entire body.  I smiled and looked at Jeremy, but then felt very confused as to why I couldn’t wake up Josh.  He had come to the hospital, at least.
  “Hayley, I just think it might be best if you didn’t wake him up,” Jeremy said with a small frown.  “You know how Josh is.  I don’t want him making a scene.”
  “Oh,” I said softly, frowning.  I didn’t really understand it; would it be a happy scene or a bad scene?  I wasn’t sure, but I just figured that it was probably best to take his advice right now.  Jeremy seemed to be right about a lot lately.
  “Alright,” I said with a small nod of my head. 
  “Go back to sleep,” Jeremy said with a small smile.
  I nodded and rolled over on my side that was facing Josh, and just stared at him for a few long seconds.  He was on his side as well with his back to the window.  One of his hands dangled over the edge of the window seat, and his other arm was tucked underneath his body gently.  His face looked tired, even though he was sleeping.  I could see black circles under his eyes, as if permanent, and then I noticed bruises on his arms.  His knuckles were split, and his head was slightly red.  I frowned; had he been beating himself up?
  I sighed and shook my head, deciding to go back to sleep on it.  I didn’t know how long I slept; but I slept for a long time.  By the time I woke up, it was dark again.  I didn’t even know I could sleep that long.  But I guess the thought of Josh being there had made me sleep good...though, when I woke up, of course he wasn’t in that spot.
  I frowned and rolled over, seeing that half of the people that were there earlier were gone.  Both Zac and Taylor were gone as well.  Only Jeremy and my mother were in the room.  My mom was busy reading a magazine, and Jeremy was simply watching TV. 
  “Where’s Josh?” I croaked, frowning at them.
  A grin spread across my mother’s face when she saw that I was awake, but when Jeremy turned to look at me, he was solemn.  I frowned; everything was happening so suddenly...surely he wasn’t going to tell me that something had happened to Josh.
  “Well...Hayley, he’s gone again,” Jeremy said softly.
  “Gone again?” I asked, slightly confused.  Jeremy didn’t say anything, and then it clicked for me in a small second.  “You mean...he’s not going to visit anymore?”
  “He left as soon as he found out the baby and you were fine,” my mom explained softly.  “But you shouldn’t worry about him Hayley.  We can be a family again and..”
  I didn’t catch the rest of what my mother said.
  I felt like crying.
  Though I pulled on a fake face and pretended to be happy for my mother.
  I had Josh for a split second and he was gone again.
 I had lost him for the third time.
  How?
  Though, I wasn’t as devastated as I had been earlier.
  Josh still cared. 
  He was just guarding his heart from me.